The truth behind the curious incident in Varanasi, where the normally peace loving BJP workers appeared to assault the Anarchist Aadmi Party volunteers is stunning. All the claims of the Anarchist Aadmi Party have been proved lies, and India Today, who has made sensational revelations about the ugly side of the Anarchist Aadmi Party has finally blown the lid off what has to be the greatest political conspiracy of all time.
The truth, they say can be stranger than fiction. Our Fek Le! correspondent in Varanasi could hardly believe his ears, but then he thought it would be perfect for Fek Le! to expose.
Unknown to the gullible Indian masses, the Congress A team, Anarchist Aadmi Party has been in an illicit alcohol relationship with BJP over the last few months. When India Today revealed that what had appeared to the locals as Anarchist Aadmi Party volunteers being assaulted by BJP was in fact the fallout of treachery by the Anarchist Aadmi Party volunteers.
For several months, Anarchist Aadmi Party has been plagued with a severe alcoholism problem. The volunteers get drunk in public wearing the AAP uniform (cap only. Not muffler). They go to restaurants in large groups and drink beer. They go anywhere and everywhere and are drinking.
Pretending to be a local person, our correspondent tried interviewing the Anarchist Aadmi Party volunteers who had been thrashed, but they seemed completely sober. On a flash of insight, he pretended to be a BJP worker, and they all started acting drunk within minutes, and an interview worthy of Lewis Carroll ensued.
Fek Le correspondent: This is strange. When I pretended to be a local person, you appeared sober. When I said I was a BJP worker, you appeared drunk. Why is this so?
Ankit Lal: You see, people claiming to be locals can be reporters in disguise. It will not do to have Anarchist Aadmi Party appear to be drunk. However, everyone knows, people who appear to be BJP workers are in reality not BJP, but locals. So we knew it was safe.
Fek Le reporter: I see. But why are you drunk?
Nandan: It is grrreaat for campaigning *hic*. I mean, who doesn’t like a slobbering drunk? People immediately start imagining that they will be drunk too, if AAP comes to power. And they will vote for us.
Fek Le reporter: But isn’t the BJP method of getting voters to get too drunk to care about their future better than this?
Ankit Lal: Probably, but who has the money? We spent it all on drink. *sways alarmingly* Anyway, we have strage… strat… strageejee.
Fek Le correspondent: Strategy?
Ankit Lal: *hic*
Fek Le correspondent: What is this strategy?
Ankit Lal: We have an arrangement. We get sloshed, and we go around singing, searching for BJP photographers. They do our photolesson for free, and publicize it for free. And then evereeee one knows.
Fek Le correspondent: But did you have to get assaulted for the publicity?
Nandan (indignant): Asssaulsed? They could not assault us if they came with their whole village. WE assaulted them. Before they could realize what was happening, I hit their fists with my nose. Nandan smashed his ear into another’s fist. They FLED from the place.
Curious, our correspondent went to find the BJP workers. He had no trouble getting them to speak. He just said he was media, they rushed to inform him of their plight.
BJP worker: Anarchist Aadmi Party has become a nuisance. They have been stalking our reporter for months now.
Fek Le! correspondent: Stalking how?
BJP worker: Well, they have become addicted to alcohol and attention seeking. They get drunk on purpose, and stalk our photographer insisting that they take their photos. They drag him to all kinds of places and pose wearing AAP caps and drinking alcohol. It is embarrassing.
Fek Le! correspondent: Why doesn’t your photographer refuse? No other party seems to be put into this horrible position. Why should BJP suffer?
BJP worker: I wish it were that simple. They are threatening to vote for Modi if we don’t do as they say. So our photographer has to go everywhere where they get drunk and click pictures. You haven’t seen anything. If you come to our BJP Photoshop Laghu Udyog office, you will find dozens of BJP workers forced to work on their photos – and of course AAP won’t pay for this!
Fek Le! correspondent: We are big fans of your BJP Photoshop Laghu Udyog. It is one of our best sources for news.
BJP worker: *preens* I have to tell you, we work hard, but these Anarchist Aadmi Party workers make life tough.
Fek Le! correspondent: I can imagine.
BJP worker: *on a roll now, pulls out two identical photos* See these?
Fek Le! correspondent: It is two copies of the same photo of a drunk AAP volunteer!
BJP worker: No! You are falling prey to Anarchist Aadmi Propaganda. This here was shot last week in Varanasi. This other one was shot in Delhi. There are a few dozen of these photos shot in different places, and they all look exactly the same! The crazy drunk AAP worker makes our photographer set up the place exactly like it was the first time he got drunk – shadows and all, then proceeds to get drunk till even the lettering on his cap gets totally sloshed and turns upside down, and then makes the photographer shoot the exact same photo in different places. *hands Fek Le correspondent a thick sheaf of photos – all identical* Drunk AAP volunteer in Delhi, Drunk AAP volunteer in Gujarat, drunk AAP volunteer in Punjab, drunk AAP volunteer in Varanasi…
Fek Le! correspondent: Why can’t your photographer just pretend to click photos and give him a copy of the old one, if that is what he wants?
BJP worker: Between you and me, that is what we do. In fact, we don’t even wait for the AAP volunteer, and simply make our guy lie on the floor like the original one in Delhi, click photos and circulate them. Who has the time to wait for AAPtards to get drunk and ready for the shoot? We have our own drunks. As long as they wear AAP caps and drink enough to make the lettering turn upside down, our photographer can handle the rest. If they pass out before the letters turn upside down, then it is additional work for the already overworked BJP Photoshop Laghu Udyog, but you won’t hear the poor chaps complaining, ever. They will sacrifice anything to put Modi on the throne.
Fek Le! correspondent: Whoa! That is some fek you have pulled off this time! Congratulations!
BJP worker: Wish the whole world was like you. The ungrateful AAP don’t believe we work so hard. They are spreading around rumors that it is the same photo.
Fek Le! correspondent: Didn’t you just say that it is? That you don’t even wait for the AAP volunteer to arrive at the photoshoot sometimes?
BJP worker: Well, that is just a shortcut. Not like it is the same picture! And we showed them who is boss anyway. We thrashed them and threatened to expose their photos of kicking puppies once we are done making the photos of them pissing in the Ganga.
And this, dear friends, is the true story of the secret drinking relationship of BJP and AAP that they hide from the world.