“Mass murder by chemicals should be punishable by death while the same by more organic methods will be looked upon with much leniency,” opines an expert who does not want to be named, studying streams of cascading data on his laptop before a state-of-the-art research center in Denialistan. “Because we must all love the environment.”
The Indian intelligence organization Hum Kare So Qaeda, also known as HKs Qaeda, has come up with important insights on how to do mass murder and get away with it. Human rights activists believe that this is Bharat’s answer to the perplexing question of an exploding population (numbers vary) and explosions of anger (reasons vary). Reliable sources suggest that Indian Parliament has committed to save the lives of anyone who does not violate the tenets of this document. Rajya Sabha MP Voltaire went as far as to state, “It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”. Thus, it is important you read this to protect yourself from your next bout of anger.
Surveying over a trillion Twitter tweets, Hum Kare so Qaeda has come up with landmark research that identifies the right way to do mass murder, including some key points that many experts recommend. For example 786 users of Twitter got expert recommendations like “go to Pakistan”. This was independently endorsed by Chhota Shakki of rival organization Al-Fayda, based in Pakistan, when he said, “Bhai wanted to come to India, but we are safe and happy here, thank you very much. We will continue to do business in India.” Chotta Shakki got his name because of his small unmentionables and he is renowned for his constant suspicion of the Indian government’s motives on Indian talk shows.
The pathbreaking research byHKs Qaeda, published as a landmark document, “Wajah-ul-Qatal” also identifies correct and incorrect reasons for mass murder, many of which may not be evident to your average angry citizen bent on mass murder. For example, organic mass murder is better for the political environment than using chemicals. This can be easily verified using election result metrics. “Our research has shown that there is a nationwide movement toward organics. People do not appreciate the pollution of RDX. Mass murderers should have some sense of responsibility when operating their business where other people live. Swords do not pollute the environment. Worst case scenario, gas cylinders can be used. And before you think it is communal, the person who confessed to burning rubber for mass murder was also sent to jail. He was not bailed till he swore on a cow standing in a holy river that he would never use chemicals tor mass murder again.”
“So the Indian citizen is discerning. While it is natural for people to get angry and kill, there should be some consideration for the planet, which is completely innocent in this matter.” an angry resident of Mumbai was noted as emphasizing.
But the real breakthrouh this document achieves is what gives it its name. Wajah-ul-Qatal. Until now, mass murder had often been disparaged with terms like “senseless violence” “insane mobs” and so on. This document conclusively establishes that these are conspiracies against innocent killers that try to make people believe that they did mass murder for no reason. There have been important reasons. People burned alive in a train – with political volatility so high, the score was unbalanced. It had to be settled. Conclusively. In triplicate. A rumor of sexual harassment – how can we tolerate rumors about our sisters? But sometimes there is just no reason for violence. Typically such people also do other things like not following organic practices. They used the excuse of riots and lack of justice, but who had stopped them? They even had been promised that Bombay would burn – organically. They did not need to use such polluting methods.
The lack of intelligence of those condemning violence has also been exposed conclusively in this document. Bogus propaganda like “Violence achieves nothing” have been completely proved wrong using research data from several sources as diverse as election results in India and bank accounts in Switzerland. One such table included the known financial assets of those who do violence as opposed to those who don’t with authoritative sources like CIA data on assets of gangsters, election affidavits, NSSO and other data on poverty, number of properties of organizations that do violence as opposed to those that don’t and more.
There is also advice for angry people interested in doing mass murder with three top recommendations as follows:
- See if your local religious organization organizes mass murder activities and participate under their expert guidance. This is the “organized tour” version of mass murder and getting membership is probably the cheapest and best option for wannabe butchers.
- Various state governments offer sanctuaries and amnesty schemes that innocent criminals hounded by the law can avail. See if you can qualify for one of those. You could even be able to challenge the government to touch you and live no matter how many times you were sentenced to death and mercy petitions denied. Immortality can be intoxicating.
- Document your reasons and make sure they are the right ones as stated in Wajah-ul-Qatal – this could be the single biggest factor making the difference between fame, success and felicitations or shame and persecution.
If all else fails, go to
This has been hailed by anyone who matters as an important step toward a safe and peaceful India.